This one is for you, the friend wrestling with how to live like you are alive.
My tippy-toes are swaying, and I am here in the place where the weight of life things is lifted. I feel the springtime breeze greet me like a whisper in the wind. My eyes are closed, and my fingers are pressing ink into paper.
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There's something that just happens when we meet ourselves right where we are. Not somewhere in the past nor in the future anywhere too fast. Just here. In this most beautiful space where the pause meets peace.
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The pause reminds me of days when he was here swaying with me on this porch swing. And we were facing the ending of our chapter here on this side of heaven together. He was being born again. Salty tears collected on the wood grain of the porch swing. And, we held onto each other's hands and heartbeats beating and breathing.
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And, then, on one of those porch swing moments where what began as a place of our human mind wrapping itself around the end of our chapter here, a peace beyond our understanding became known. It was as tangible as our fingers clasped together. Blinking through those salty tears, I looked at my green-eyed guy and said, "What if we aren't dying. Who says we are dying. Why are we living waiting to die." He looked at me, inquisitively smiling and nodding. "What do you mean?" I looked at the Beloved Champion, saying, "What I mean is instead of living like we are dying, let's start living like we are alive."
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At that moment, saying yes to the pause allowed for that gritty grief lens to shift. Life felt all of a sudden tangible. Although we were facing the passing of his physical body here on this side of heaven, it was in that pause we got to the good part. The best part. The living part.
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It's been 5 1/2 years since the Beloved Champion got his wings. And, not one day or truly any moment goes by where his halo isn't radiating its love from inside me. And if I'm being fully vulnerable here, I have wrestled deeply with the word "acceptance." Because, on this side of heaven, our human vantage point can only grasp what the human brain attempts to create logic out of. The finality behind the word "acceptance" has a social stigma adding perception and pressure on fleshly limitations. And, so, it's human nature to attempt to fix or define what the human mind can control. And because death is inevitable and unpredictable, the human brain goes haywire, seeking security from the threat. Here's the good news, the brain is doing its job when it's protecting you. Normalizing this existential crisis is 100% valid and rational.
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Then there's something intrinsically moving when the soul stirs within. That's not science and arguably not necessarily tangible for the medical world. Because, after all, how do you empirically place a pulse on the soul. When "you are out of options," science tells you, "This is it."
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This is where things like hope and faith and that stirring inside you aligns with things like intuition, energy, quantum physics, and dust turn to life. Hang on, friend. I'm just getting started. You know, that moment you looked across the room and saw that person that just stopped you in your tracks, you just knew that "there's something more." That. That is your soul. That is eternal living life saying something along the lines of "there's no end when you are born again." I love this part because the very design of love is beyond anything our human vantage point can remotely place a pulse on. It's the part where that peace beyond understanding calls for your attention because although things on this side of heaven are limited, on the other side, everything is unlimited, it's eternal, and it far outweighs that colossal let-down, disappointment, heart-wrenching searing pain. It's the place where all the wrongs are made right.
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I have good news for you. We don't have to wait for it on the flip side. We can count on it both here and there! And, on this side of heaven, love looks a lot like humanity, humans placed in your path to love you for you. It looks like the ripple effect, the mustard seed faith, kindness colliding with patience, and slowing down just enough to soak in the beauty of that moment turning into a memory.
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This one is for you, the friend wrestling with how to live like you are alive. Because, friend, the person on the other side of these words has been and sometimes is there. I want you to know that it gets better. It does. I want you to hang on longer. Because your pain deserves to be held gently, and you deserve to see that it's not wasted. It's doing something. You will get to the good part.
Because, Friend, your moment is worthy of inviting the pause between where you are and where you are going!
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There's room for you here on, The Porch Swing, where healing happens.
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