Arrival
I always thought I was arriving somewhere.
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It takes me back to the inner child inside me. I had the idea of the dream held captive inside me like the little girl sitting on the tire swing dotting the "i's" with hearts.
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Even then, I thought I was *finding my way to a place of *arrival. The check things off the list before I can take a deep breath place of arrival.
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Little did I know that my way of coping and surviving through the life things that happened manifested in the ways my inner child was seeking safety.
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For me, that looked like keeping the peace in an uncertain environment and outside my agency (control).
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Just smile, Carrie.
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You Guys, I was gritting my way through life telling myself I had to "find myself." Like I had to arrive at some place I created inside my mind that permitted me to "finally be happy" or "not feel anxious." I had this narrowed down to the idea that when I had a grief wave roll over me that that meant I was not doing well or healing. Those feelings were, in my mind, a dictator of my identity. And, in that, I was shifting the agency of my healing into the hands of everything external. That's an awful lot of control to hand over like that. And I even believed the lie the feelings told me, "like the way that person treats you or thinks of you is a reflection of you."
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It was about a year ago. I was coming out of a breakup where I had allowed treatment that was 100% not congruent or aligned with the reflection of self-love that I believe our Creator instilled in us. That was an "AHA" moment for me. It grabbed ahold of that inner child inside me, running around lost, looking to be found, to belong, to be seen.
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And what came of the "AHA" moment for me has been far greater than anything my human words can press on paper. Suppose I had the words, I think it'd say something along the lines of:
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"Beautiful girl standing there scared, look at me. You are safe. You're out of breath from all of that running. Catch your breath, sweet girl, and let's slow down a little because it's hard to take in the scene when we are always trying to arrive."
