turn the page and, Begin Again…
I continue to be so unbelievably touched by how Jesus shows up in this life here. I’ve been in a deep personal growth space. And, I am happy to share that I believe, for THE very first time in my adult life, that I am harnessing the pure JOY of, "Carrie." I am genuinely in the space of RELEASE of deep-seated broken heart things. I am spiritually moved. I am pretty IN LOVE with HIS pursuit in my heart! And, I’m blinking through salty tears, even writing it out.
Because, for the first time, my heart has butterflies dancing inside, all on its own. This is new.
This it is not something I have ever felt "worthy of” in many years. It stems from the narrative that pain told me and the enemy's lies embedded into my soul.
And, my goodness, I deserve to be happy. Everybody does. I am calling this revival my "selfless self-love."
It is not conceited of me to love myself or humbly value myself.
I have been intentional and sensitive to this season the Lord has had me in. He is gifting me by sharpening my self-awareness. And, in doing so, our Creator has been weaving truth into my soul.
And, it looks a little something like this
“My daughter, you must love yourself. You belong to me. I am a Creator, and I do not create mistakes. You are not; trauma, abuse, traumatic brain injury, alcoholism, cancer, amputation, death, lies, his choice to not love you, or any sort of sin-stained earthly thing. You are not your past or the FACTS of life circumstances you had/have NO control over. You must remember who your Author is and that you are my child. I knitted you together in your mother's womb. Daughter, you get to choose your narrative.”
I tilt my head up with salty tears dripping. And our Creator is holding a pen.
And, I hear Him say something along the lines of
"Here, take it. This is your story. You get to write the words on your pages. And, I have given you many pages." He dips the pen in black. "This ink stains the paper. You see, child, it is all here," as He is turning some of the tattered pages backward. I see the scars of what were once nails penetrating my Papa's hands. With loving kindness gazing down, His eyes meet mine, "It is part of your story. It is part of you, and it matters. I have it here, see, daughter, it is all here. You don't have to fight to hold onto it. And, my sweet child, you don't have to carry it into the next chapter. Turning the page, sometimes, takes a minute. And that is okay. I am here with you, sitting still with you on the page you keep rereading. But my child, there will come time for you to turn the page and begin again."
And, so it began.
The significance of the heartbreak(s) anchored me into this place of quiet, stillness, and solace, on the porch swing. Utilizing every sweet second of it. Inviting and allowing the feelings and thoughts of it all. Every precious second of the empty space invested in leaning into the Holy Spirit. His presence that of which is gentle and humble. And, so I close my eyes, tilt my head towards the heaven above, and feel my Papa holding me in His arms. My tears and words have whispered many prayers into the atmosphere where I know they are heard. Although this space may feel empty, I know it is just behind a hidden veil where beautiful eternal living life is. It is where He calls of me to keep my eyes fixed on what is unseen. That’s the space where I know my faith has to be stronger than my feelings. My faith tethers me to hope and the belief that He is doing something, even when I can’t see. He is making all things new.
And, so it is in faith that I dropped the word "expectation" from my vocabulary. Releasing control of "figuring things out" because maybe there is nothing to figure out. This season is so unbelievably necessary. Because, the kind of self-love He is commanding me to cultivate inside my heart is the kind that understands my worth. This self-less self-love. And, it is non-negotiable.
The Lord is calling of me to be open-hearted. And it is not easy. It feels like dying to self and ego and being reborn again. And, I need to open my heart to this beautiful life. I need to be present. I need to be her example of love so she too can lead herself with an open-heart.
Being open-hearted to receive Jesus's love for me it’s the seed of life. He knows it. He created it. And, I trust it.
Turns out, I picked up the pen. I dipped it in the black ink. Tears were dripping. And, it seems I turned a page. Although it was unbelievably tender, being open-hearted has cultivated roots in my heart to release with peace and begin again.
